For those of you who may or may not be worried about me, I’m sorry either way. I’m not unaware that people are very perceptive in our community, that more than likely most people know things that have happened. It’s always been my greatest fear…to give into my urges. I always felt like no one understood what I felt, and then I met someone who did, but the problem remained, because he was able to justify his actions, and I am left broken…destroyed still by guilt. I have dark images in my head, even more sinister thoughts sometimes. Perhaps it’s in vain that I express these words, I fear that they could have a detrimental effect on those who view me one way or another. I’m still very much in the shadows. Some days I wake up more positive than others, those are the glass half full days where I focus on music and I’m hopeful to receive memories from my past, to learn a little bit about myself…but the other days, the glass half empty ones, I feel consumed. Consumed with demons, the only part of who I am that I am familiar with now, that I remember. Sometimes I feel like tearing at my own skin, to rid myself of who I am and be another person entirely. Right now I feel that more often than not.
I’m not seeing any signs of relief, but on the same token I refuse to give up. I can only hope that everyone I’ve cared about will see both sides of me, and accept me on all conditions. I understand that may be difficult, because as a person even I understand that I’m threatening, I frighten myself more often than not. So I will always extend my hand to anyone who’s willing to hold it. I just hope that if I make a mistake, if I fall, that they don’t let go.